Mad House
I decided to start a blog to be able to journal.. Hopefully a bit of anonymously.. I guess I figure this might be a form of therapy for me?
So, to set the scene. I feel like I live in a Mad House. Not me. I’m not the one going crazy.. but because I live with someone struggling with mental illness.. maybe I am starting to also lose it myself.
My husband suffers from severe depression and anxiety. Some people don’t know what that really means.. I didn’t before I married him. Like most people I thought of depression as how you felt when a guy dumped you and anxiety was when you were overwhelmed with school.
No. Depression is a thief. It steals from my life.. it steals from my husband’s life. I despise depression for all the days it has robbed. Depression doesn’t really look like “sadness” in our house. Depression causes lack of logical thinking. It makes people really truly think that other people would be better off without them. It tells them they have little worth. It tells them bad things will eventually happen to them. It robs them of their ability to handle even a small amount of normal stress.
I’ve been married for 17 years and 16 of them have been filled with depression. It gets really bad. It never goes away. It will be “normal” for a short while, but then sure enough.. probably about once a month we have an “episode”.. and episode means my husband is moody, has panic attacks, any little issue at home sets him off. He is quicker to a temper and swears a lot. He talks about needing to move out, needing to escape .. needing to go away.
Those are actually the good episodes. But then about every three months we have really bad ones. It’s so consistent now... just like clockwork. Life will be going good and then bam. A massive “episode”. On three different episodes I’ve taken a gun away from my husband.
5 years ago I found him in our garage, sitting behind the car with the gun on his hand next to his body. It took a lot of talking to get the gun away from him. Now our handgun is locked up and hidden and I had a trusted friend store our shotguns.
Of course it’s usually medicine that he threatens with. I can’t count the number of times he’s taken more Xanax than his prescription says. Several times he’s passed out on the couch or the floor.
One episode not too long ago he threatened to fly to Costa Rica and not return. I drive the 45 min drive out to the airport to stop him.
So, another weekend.. another episode. He came into the office telling me he was either going to leave and go somewhere or he was going to kill him self. Crazy that the phase doesn’t even
I am emotionally exhausted. I’m really not an emotional person to begin with.. so having constant ups and downs really wears on me.
It’s 10 pm here and I’m tired from getting up so early in the morning.
Hopefully I can convince him NOT to Leave and not to harm himself.
So, to set the scene. I feel like I live in a Mad House. Not me. I’m not the one going crazy.. but because I live with someone struggling with mental illness.. maybe I am starting to also lose it myself.
My husband suffers from severe depression and anxiety. Some people don’t know what that really means.. I didn’t before I married him. Like most people I thought of depression as how you felt when a guy dumped you and anxiety was when you were overwhelmed with school.
No. Depression is a thief. It steals from my life.. it steals from my husband’s life. I despise depression for all the days it has robbed. Depression doesn’t really look like “sadness” in our house. Depression causes lack of logical thinking. It makes people really truly think that other people would be better off without them. It tells them they have little worth. It tells them bad things will eventually happen to them. It robs them of their ability to handle even a small amount of normal stress.
I’ve been married for 17 years and 16 of them have been filled with depression. It gets really bad. It never goes away. It will be “normal” for a short while, but then sure enough.. probably about once a month we have an “episode”.. and episode means my husband is moody, has panic attacks, any little issue at home sets him off. He is quicker to a temper and swears a lot. He talks about needing to move out, needing to escape .. needing to go away.
Those are actually the good episodes. But then about every three months we have really bad ones. It’s so consistent now... just like clockwork. Life will be going good and then bam. A massive “episode”. On three different episodes I’ve taken a gun away from my husband.
5 years ago I found him in our garage, sitting behind the car with the gun on his hand next to his body. It took a lot of talking to get the gun away from him. Now our handgun is locked up and hidden and I had a trusted friend store our shotguns.
Of course it’s usually medicine that he threatens with. I can’t count the number of times he’s taken more Xanax than his prescription says. Several times he’s passed out on the couch or the floor.
One episode not too long ago he threatened to fly to Costa Rica and not return. I drive the 45 min drive out to the airport to stop him.
So, another weekend.. another episode. He came into the office telling me he was either going to leave and go somewhere or he was going to kill him self. Crazy that the phase doesn’t even
I am emotionally exhausted. I’m really not an emotional person to begin with.. so having constant ups and downs really wears on me.
It’s 10 pm here and I’m tired from getting up so early in the morning.
Hopefully I can convince him NOT to Leave and not to harm himself.
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